I sometime doubt my own heart

Like at one point I feel so sure of myself

Like this is it

This is the one

Nothing can beat this feeling

Because it felt somehow connected to my soul

Like I feel so certain that I know my soul agrees to whatever my heart desires

But then

It all crashed by reality

Whatever I was sure of before I kept on doubting now

I can’t even sure of what I feel

How I should feel 

Why I should feel at all

In one way maybe this is the fight or flight reaction of my own heart

My own soul

From breaking apart. 

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I guess I'm writing this so that I can go through my memories once again whenever I want to.


We have planned this several times, for the past 5 years (almost), a trip together before one of us get married. Luckily we still have a long journey for that one - or maybe just for me. So, this trip, without a proper planning, we just decided to set any nearest possible dates to book flight tickets, found an affordable ground package and decided to follow an open trip and yes, we made it. Finally.

At first, my best friend wanted just the two of us, travelling by ourselves. But I don't have the confidence of doing so plus my korean still at its bottom-most-basic level (well at least I can read them), and lucky us, we found MyPickUpTrip on instagram. Directly pm the agent and asked for the itinerary. We also found out that we're going there with another 6 people (although we would be total strangers) but I kinda like that in traveling; meeting new people.

Did I also mentioned that this was the first time I ever been on an airplane for more than 2 hours? And this was also the first trip outside of the country; oh wait, I did went to Singapore; and it was together with Aimun too. She was like my sifu in traveling. Sort of. Babe, I owe you a lot. Thank you, I love you (LOL).

Our flight was at 1.00am. We decided to take the earliest flight so more time in to be spent there. Also it was my first night flight. Sorry just too many of first times. My brother sent us to KLIA2 around 11.00pm and we met another 2 travelers and also our travel agents (married couples whom I guess enjoy traveling a lot - and not to mention, super nice people ^-^). They explained to us about the itinerary, what to do when you got there, how's the weather, the transportation, the guest house, wi-fi; well almost everything). They did not forget to wish us an enjoyable trip; which was indeed an enjoyable and memorable one.

My first 6-hours flight; I had nothing else to do (I even forgot to bring my earphone T^T), so I just slept for the whole journey. We sat next to each other, and there was this one young Korean guy besides me (thank God I still could sleep - banyak kali terjaga jugak lah since it's not that comfortable). Most of the passengers were Koreans so when I heard the spoke in korean, I knew I  was, indeed, going to a foreign country.

When we arrived there, it was cloudy with light pouring rain. The immigration part went on smoothly and arriving in Incheon airport felt almost unreal. Because of the weather that was very similar to Malaysia, I felt like I didn't even got out from Malaysia.

Incheon Airport

We waited for out tour guide, who apparently a young girl from Malaysia. She came one day earlier to Seoul before meeting us. Around noon or so, we started to take the subway towards our next destination which would be our place to stay for the rest of the week; Myeongdong.

First group to arrive; another group arrived in the evening.

The front one was our tour guide; Dyan.

View from the subway train; although a bit foggy since it was raining

It was hard, really, having to walk fast while dragging our baggage. Thank God, I only brought a luggage and a backpack with me. We have to up and down the escalators, stairs until we reached Myeongdong station. From the subway station (as I remembered it was Line 4), we walked up quite a hilly road to reach Nungmaru Guesthouse.



The owner was super nice to us, although we arrived earlier than supposed time, he let us check-in and led us the way to our apartment. I was literally amazed that the apartment has a baggage lift and also you only need to enter the password to unlock the door (I know I sound so..lame? but oh well, I only got to see that in kdrama tho..so yeah..).

With the privilege of being early, we picked our room and decided to stick with my friend and also our tour guide. The apartment was nice indeed, they are fully equipped with 3 bedrooms (each can accommodate around 3-4 people; a bunk bed and a queen? size - though a bit smaller but can be occupied by two people), 1 bathroom, a kitchen with electric stove, microwave, a small fridge, rice cooker, utensils and stuff to use for cooking and a washing machine. Complete. Like a home. Each room also has a tv, wifi and air-conditioner. It was more than I have ever expected. I loved the place.

Since we had not take our breakfast yet, and it's already lunch time, we decided to head down to Myeongdong; a heaven for those k-beauty crazy. I mean the entire area was full with k-brand stores; from Nature Republic to Innisfree and then there's Etude House - well, name them all. They were all there in Myeongdong. Although most stores were giving out free samples (here's the trick; they won't give you for free if you're not coming to their store). I even had an awful experience of being dragged into the store, yes dragged. So I've learnt that if you don't want to enter their store or to buy anything just say no. Some even asked me if I can speak korean, so I said a lil bit (well it's true, just a bit) but then they will start to speak in full korean (another thing that I've learnt; only speak korean if you can speak and understand them). I could understand a bit. But still, not going to speak any other than English if I ever visit there again. Maybe I should practice beforehand.

While waiting for the other group to arrive, we just strolled down the Myeongdong street and then went straight back to our guesthouse. Walking distance? about 5 minutes. So for you guys who are aiming to shop like crazy in Myeongdong, you can go there like every free time that you could have. For dinner, since we just had kind of heavy meal for our lunch, we decided to just try the street food (that can be eaten by Muslim of course; and we are certain no meat or chicken or anything else that were doubtful). Eggbun was pretty good, but I must say the Hotteok was really good.

The activity for the night was walking through Myeongdong straight to Cheonggyecheon stream. It's a stream that flows along the center of the city. The place was so clean, you can see how clear the water is, with the lights and colorful bridge; definitely a dating spot for couples (which I could see everywhere along the stream ohmyeyes) and then we walked along the city towards the subway station and boy what a big underground area to walk through. Even it was almost 11.00pm there, I felt safe to walk around the city, stumbled on one or two drunkards but they didn't bother anyone thank God, and it felt nice to take a night walk and enjoyed the city lights. One thing I probably not having the courage to do if I had to walk at night alone in Kuala Lumpur.

And even for the first day, I think I walked around too much. Much more than I had expected.

It’s one minute before 11pm
and I did planned to sleep early since morning
But here I am reminiscing all those emotions I once had
And though I thought it was random
I guess I was just missing of having some emotions to be felt
Crying over something I could not really remember how significant it was
Until it became a distant memory
Something unworthy

It’s one minute past 11pm
I was thinking through this again
What if I made a different choice
A different approach
Would I be better? Happy?
No wait maybe happier
I am happy
Just thought of the things that maybe could have made me happier
But I felt content
I am fine.
Even without you I am fine.

I’m not the greatest daughter in this world to be honest
But when I was applying some make up on my mum this morning
I noticed how old she is
How her wrinkles kept on appearing on her soft skin
But still sometimes this brat was just too stubborn
And that how mum may be even more sensitive than before
But this spoiled brat managed to somehow display her pouty face
Like girl, grow up.
You have a fragile heart to take care of.

I can never feel comfortable around you
I can never act like I’m okay with everything
I feel like I want to scream out loud
Saying all the words I should have said
To make you understand
Oh but wait
I don’t even understand myself sometimes
Most of the time
I’m afraid of the answers
I can’t even answer the questions I’ve been riddling with my own heart
So why should I take the risk
And break it even more?
Yes I have been in denial
Just to keep this heart intact and not to shatter even more.

Different people owns a different story
Their own narration
Their own happy and sad chapters
But again, nothing is ever fully of our control
Yes we can decide what’s next
What kind of future we want
But sometimes along the pages
You might fell into a hole
You might be trapped in a cage
You just somehow cannot see the way out
Or the way your story going to end
Believe me no one ever know what’s gonna come
Who is gonna show up suddenly
Bringing the light and smile to your new chapter
Believe me it’s hard
Even I myself still standing
Pondering which route I should have taken
Who I should forget
And what kind of struggling plots should I anticipate
Who should I let inside
And write together
Until the end of our own tale.

I tried to clog

Have faith

These moments are the most hurtful for me

Sometimes we don’t even want to appear strong
We don’t even want to put a fake smile
Just to convince other people that we are fine
It’s okay that
You’re not okay
You don’t have to be happy for the sake of other people
You don’t have to hide all your tears
All your frustrations
All your worries
What matters most is your happiness
Your own feelings
And I know you will be fine
We are all gonna be fine.


ASA

p/s: For those who I call my friends. Do not lose your hope.

I haven’t blog anything so far in 2018.
I guess I’m afraid to speak about whatever going on inside my mind.
It’s a mess.
But a mess I’m trying to cope with.
This used to be a medium for me to express my thoughts, feelings, experiences.
But I got used of keeping them inside rather than spilling everything out.
Because I was too afraid of exposing my vulnerable side.
So instead of telling people I’m not okay
I just smile.


A smile to ensure myself that
Yeah, I’m gonna be fine.

I'm taking the roads

I am on different level in confidence
I believe in myself
True enough
But I have doubts that people
Will have that confidence in me.

In short, I don't trust people would see me in any kind of lights from their spectrum.

Is that considered as self-doubting too?

I couldn't show
So all I can do is sigh

And let it go.


-ASA

You know what's killing me inside?

Unable to say what's on my mind
Can't even tell what I feel
Knowing that I'll never be good enough.

The reasons why I gave up even before I start.
How pathetic.

Keep me sane
Keep me rest assured
For I now
Living in chaos
An uncertainty
Afraid of downfalls
Fear of rejection
Fear of falling apart

How I love the skies
But it hurts too much
'cause I can never reach it
Or feel it
How I love the seas
And the sound of the breeze
But it hurts that I'm gonna drown
If I go too deep
How I love the trees
But it hurts that
Someday they wilt
Left with bare trunks and dried leaves
And how I love the souls
But it could leave anytime
As it pleased to come
How am I going to love
When the love itself 
Hurt me these much.

-ASA

A rose can stand on its own
and still looks pretty
You can even hand it over directly
To your beloved

But a cherry blossom
It is nice as a petal
And pretty as a flower
But it is most beautiful with all its parts
The branches
The trunk
The whole scenery at its background
Even the fallen petals on the ground
Indeed,
It is most beautiful as a whole.

-ASA

Looking down,
Walking straight,
Following wherever those feet gonna bring,
With a plastered smile on her face,
Yup,
That was just her,
Covering up all those emotions
Storming inside her.

-ASA

I'm in state of denial
Constantly denying every emotion
That flooded into my soul.

I rather not feel anything.

Let it numb.