Even if this fragile heart is gonna be shattered
Again and again
I'll just gonna glue it back
And wait for it to get attached again.

This time, only for God.

If this is unreal

You know you are my inspiration 

Once you let the feelings
The emotions
Engulfing your heart
There's no way out
Unless you let it breaks
And left with pieces of emptiness

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
You know how one's heart can be cofused of what exactly the feelings that they had to someone else. While someone can easily having this direct way of showing their emotions, or at least they are assured of what and how they feel, I'm certainly not in the category.
I kinda believe in the law of attraction. This is a general statement, not necessarily regarding love interest. When I found people with same interest, or look kind, or funny or at least have the same emm how to say 'weirdness' as you, you can simply just say hey what's up, let's be friends. I am pretty sure people that started to know (before they know the real me) thought I was a really well-mannered, mature person when in reality.. Well. They know. 
I wasn't intentionally being someone else. I just don't easily open up to anyone that I just met. I bet most of us like that. And being that kind of someone else is just being me. Remain mysteriously anonymous. 
But one thing I was for sure already tired of was trying to make everyone like me. I mean..who wants anyone to hate you right? And being that kind of a person, making me hardly to hate people. Unless you do something really really bad and unforgivable, just go down straight to the hell (sorry, exaggrating a bit). But at the same time, oh God please help this poor poor heart, I can also be confused if I really like someone or not. I can be good to anyone. But at the same time, I hardly can tell if I like you or not. If I like you, then I must have really like you. And this, is a statement to my dearly family and friends for sure. 
I know, out there, friends of my age whom are busy getting married and what-not while me, being stuck in everyday-problem-of-what-to-eat or should-I-sleep-early-or-late kind of situations, should at least try to achieve something more valuable dream in her life. I am speaking to this fickle-ing heart of mine, steady, chill out, we're gonna be just fine. And awesome too. 

While I was thinking
To get noticed
I retreat back quickly
It's not like I'll be having any chance
Do I?

I wish I can be there

살아도 사는게 아니래 너 없는 하늘에 창 없는 감옥같아서

웃어도 웃는게 아니래 초라해 보이고 우는것 같아 보인데

Part of us wanting to leave
While part of us still wanting to fight for it
It's life
It is that kind of life.

How to undo this feeling?

She asked me.

I look through her, and saw tears started to fill in.

I never really hope for anything, 
but I did pray for any chance to come.

Yet, she never worked for it.

So no one to be blame except you.

I wanted to tell her that but I just stared at her with pity.

Or at least it's a good news for her.

At least she can get over it.

And finally

Like finally she can move on.


But how?


I can never give the right answer to that.

Only time heals.

Wait.

Only Allah can mend a broken heart.

That's for sure.

I am 23.

When something is wrong,
never will it go right.

So should I set my heart free
Or should I just let it stay in the cage
that I locked myself into?

No.
Certainly not.

My heart wasn't even mine
that I can use it the way I want it.

So I shall return it to the one who gave me,
the one who entrusted me with such precious.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum wbt and a very good morning indeed.


BGM: The Chainsmokers - Don't let me down


This song was our theme song during GMGS clinical exam. It was...how to put it in the right words.. The part where "Right now I need a miracle" really suit us. And yeah we were miraculously passed the exam. God, we were thankful enough for having kind-hearted lecturers. They did help us a lot. I honestly didn't think I could make it as I couldn't gather up my confidence. And plus I went blank there, exactly when I started to open that door.

Although I got a case which I was aiming for, I was praying for, it was the mental preparation that needed to be ready. I miscalculated my readiness I guess. Got facial nerve palsy, I was supposedly already prepared with all those knowledge yet I was...too worried I think.

But thank God, He gave me some time before I started with the second case. Got lower limb for neuro. The least favorite subject among all other cases. Never actually had any chance to clerk a neuro patient. I tried to compose myself again, as the examiners were the same doctors. Yeah, it turned to be more like a class but not fully a bedside teaching otherwise I'm doomed! Ahhh..I guessed us dentists-to-be really should not take this for granted. Medical doctors have their own job and that we have our own. But we should not look at things as they were simple and should be easy to be performed. They were not easy, same like dental stuff. At least I gained some knowledge before I become one.

There were some of us who had to resit the exam. It was pain to see them under such stress. Well,at the same time, the rest couldn't sit comfortably just yet as we didn't know our own result. Those who resit at least knew that they passed the theory part. Some of us cried, broke down, loss our appetite. I bet some couldn't even sleep. That's how it made us, almost gone crazy. Even before the result was announced, we went somewhere else to distract ourselves from being overthinking.

And we almost screamed out loud at the coffee shop. We were that nervous that we didn't care of the fact that people might be staring at us. Needless to say, GMGS, I surely am glad to say goodbye.

And all that left was only regrets. Each time. Why didn't I study harder than this? Why didn't I practice this skill beforehand? Why didn't I do this and that. But thank God, I don't need to go through those time again. I was suffocated enough with other stuff so I am thankful that I can finally take some break. At least from the chaotic hospital scenes.

But don't take me wrong. GMGS is very important. Especially as we are dealing with human anyway. I should study harder next year. Though, frankly speaking, I'm not that enlightened to go back to the clinic, but what to do. That's my responsibilities from now on. All I can pray for is His miracles.

She broke down once again
Kneeling helplessly
Her heart was about to burst
She couldn't bare it anymore
She didn't understand
Where did her spirit gone to
Where was her determination
Her ever strong will
Of surviving
She would keep asking
How many times
She would endure this
Her head was on the ground
And the tears started to roll down
Please help me
O Allah
Please help me
She kept in her mind
That Allah is always there
Listening to her
Whether she was in pain
Whether she was in joy
Allah knows
Allah heard her voice
Even in a soundless pray

Each time
I feel like going back in time
Wondering if this is a right choice
If life itself is a right decision.

But I tend to just go
Let the flow direct me
To where I should be
But it's not as simple as the flow
Even in river, there are stones, logs,
Name it all I can assure
Nothing is easy in this world.

Undeniably I can't imagine myself
In the future
Not reaching my dream
Not doing what I love to do
But for that
I must first start to love what I do
But the question is
Can a heart love for what is unsure to be loved?

I wish I could have a pair of wings right now
So that I could fly
And leave all these behind.

How can one be true
When herself is confused
By what she feels
Or what she had felt before

Is it real
Like those shown in television
Like those stories that
Had been written beautifully
In a novel

What if hers was plain
And dull
Is it not a true feeling
Or did it becomes blurry
As she kept denying it?

She was scared of reality
But she no longer belongs to fantasy
Whether it's a dream comes true
Or it's merely a tale or
Just a daydream
She can never be sure
Until her feelings
Become crystal clear

One day
Perhaps
She can finally be sure of.

I can only watch from aside

Bismillahirrahmairrahim

So I supposed to post this one last week. But I tend to forget when I postpone things. So yeah..

20th March 2016
I thought to myself, I was some sort of lost in my purpose in this life.
I was too immmersed on reaching my requirements, with much lack of motivation. Worrying of whether I can cover all those medicine subjects in less than 2 weeks time before the prepro (the med students learnt them from like 1st year, how on earth I'm gonna finish them in just less than 3 months before pro exam). I kept on immersing myself in this dire world.
And I was so busy to think that my life on what's revolve around me. I forgot those who had to become refugees in order to keep on living. Why oh why I am so ungrateful?
Yesterday, at least for once, I felt blessed again. When I woke up to the beautiful view and sound that I wish I can hear them everyday. It was the view of my mother praying and the sound of Quran recitation of my dad. Allah always soothe me in every possible way, it just that I was too drowned in my hopelessness to ever notice that.
Hardships are sort of our cure from attachment to this world. To this life. Though I'm afraid of having difficulties, I hope that Allah is with me from the moment He put me inside it and throughout the journey.
In need of a soul searching journey. In need of motivation and advices. In need of power of du'a.
#prayforourselves #prayforhumanity

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum and salam ukhuwah.

It was finally the day they went to Kuantan to visit me. It was not that long since I came back home which was last two weeks. But it was a different feeling of having them here in my alma mater.

I kept whining to them about how 'difficult' it is to be in this field. But I didn't have a thought that maybe theirs were difficult as well.

Whenever I felt like I can't do it, they are the ones who convince me and put their trust in me that I am surely going to make it. Hell I was so scared that I couldn't fulfill their expectations but this path was my choice. And they supported me throughout the journey. Do you think I can quit that easily?

Certainly not.

Although at times we are feeling down, like when patients couldn't attend, patient cannot give commitments, don't have enough time to study, don't have enough time to do so many things, but at least we've got the chance to do it. Look how many out there wanna live the life we are living.

My parents have made their sacrifactions. Now it's my time. The time in this world is only temporary, won't last long neither it will stay there forever. Once I've finished this part, I'm gonna make sure I'll miss it. But hopefully Allah grant my wish so that my parents can look at me proudly receiving my scroll on the stage one fine day.

I just met and already miss them. How manja aimi is that she is actually this fragile. 

Dear God, help me.

She stands there
Closing her eyes
Listening to the bristling leaves

It is calm
Peaceful
A serenity that she hopes for

But then again
The sky does what it does best
'It's gonna rain soon'
And like her heart
It starts to pound restlessly

She closes again her eyes
Praying for future
That she never sure of
She wants to be featured
In her own dream
But afraid that the dream
Will just remain as a dream

While clenching her fist
She keeps comforting herself
Telling her heart
Everything is just gonna be fine

Then she looks up at the sky again
She told herself this
It's okay not to be known on this earth
But hopefully
The heaven is talking about her
As God is looking upon her
So it's okay to remain
As a girl whose name is unknown.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum and salam ukhuwah to all.

*This was supposed to be last week's post but yeaaahhh*

BGM: Coffee Shop - CNBlue


We have so many dilemma in life. Whether to wear this or that. Whether to smile or just facing the floor while walking. Whether to study or to watch movie (or blogging ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). Whether to eat or maybe lose some weight.

Speaking of which..

Our biggest dilemma wasn't really about the most complicated things in this world; like career or who's gonna be your husband.

Really. The simplest yet the hardest everyday basic question is "Where to eat?!".

God, I really hate this when they asked me. Simply because I can't answer. I just can't. I cannot decide where to eat. But thank God at least I can decide what to eat (though it takes some time too but it's not as bad as deciding where to eat).

So typical us.. Our daily drama marathon is basically about this one dilemma. It's getting nonsense yet funnier as year goes by. Seriously...when will I learn to decide things ASAP? The fact that this 'disease' was carried by me and my friends got infected by it. Pity them for befriend with a person like me. ╮(╯▽╰)╭

So this weekend's drama featuring us of just going to any place we can think of without actually planning ahead. Crazy as we can be, at one point we found one cafe that at first we thought we wanted to go (but plan changed), so my friend did a sudden U-turn (at a rightful place to make a U-turn, along with me encouraging haha). We already inside the cafe, holding the menu. But then we left, because one of us cannot stand the smell of coffee while the rest are coffee lovers, so we had to consider her taste bud too.

But in the end of the drama, after checking out three different cafes, we finally decided on this one cafe (which the coffee smell was much stronger than the previous one), but to avoid the smell, we picked a table outside the cafe. And yes, to add on, this cafe serves more choice so I think it's the best choice (at least for today) for us.

So, here you go... A nice cafe, with a nice coffee smell, and friendly staff who still recognize my face as I just went there last week hahah. I love their coffee too

Cafe: Coffee Gallery Kuantan

This one was from my friend's phone

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum people.

Finally, I start to type again. I'm not sure of not having time is the cause of not blogging or it's just that I run out of idea and that I'm just waaayy too lazy.

Okay, back to the topic.

I'm just gonna share my experience of a lifetime. Being a dental student, oral surgery should be one of the bread and butter in the profession. I mean, even in Malaysia, most of people here won't use their money in term of preservation and conservation of their teeth. Most of them (maybe some have become more aware of the value of our teeth), would rather go for extraction.

And today, it's about the last molar/third molar (some people may have, or may not, please go to the dentist and have a checkup), or what Malay people called "gigi bongsu". Some people may have symptoms of fever, pain or maybe nothing at all when these third molars are erupting.

In my case, the right lower one is partially erupted, and it didn't cause me any trouble (so far). But on the other hand, my other third molars are still not erupt. They're still inside the bone. And it started to feel pain this year on my left lower jaw. Most of people, they claimed to feel pain at this side, not knowing its a radiating pain from the third molar (well it may be or maybe not). So some of them might end up in the wrong place to check it.

As I was aware of this case myself (inshaAllah gonna be a dentist but Allah knows better, but hopefully yes) I straight away took a radiograph (in this case OPG, google it people) it was indeed my lower left third molar was erupting mesially towards my second molar. It wasn't that painful though, but rather it felt as if an annoying little brother trying to annoy you at times. Although in my case, Dr said you can wait, so they kinda give me the power to decide.

I decided to remove it, and sooo minor oral surgery it is. Being a dental student, I sort of believe to feel first what the patient might feel later, is like you know, there's this some special connection in it. You have been in their shoes (for that specific matter), and you can assure your patient that it's going to be just fine.

But the drilling, I know it can be bothersome, but try to bear with it. It's not an easy procedure but it can be done, and looking at my lecturers, I'm sure they are all full of experiences people, that they'll know what to do. I'm praying that I will become one too.. But not oral surgery though. Or should I? Okay don't know.

So, the process was one long hours process. First, the operator anesthesized me then need to wait until the local anaesthesia (LA) do it's magic, I didn't feel any sharp seriously. But yesterday, it didn't take too long for the LA to work, good job sister!

And then, comes the Oh My God there must be blood starting to flow out as they are cutting through my tissue. But I didn't feel any pain, but of course I was aware of what they're doing eventhough I was blindfolded. Then the next part, which might annoy you was the drilling part. Because they have to remove the bone in order to reach the molar inside. I was a little bit anxious during this part, so I kept on praying everything gonna be ease by Allah.

During the pulling-out-tooth-from-socket part (it's not a dental jargon, my own term hahah), it was rather a bit painful, just a bit as you actually start to feel tired of having to open your mouth for the past 2 hours (more or less), and that this procedure need such force in order to pull the tooth out. But it's not going to too long, if the dentist know where to pull.

The last part, was the suturing part. I have never imagine being sutured, all my life. And hopefully will not have to in the future, but still need to suture my other upcoming patients. You won't feel pain given that the LA is enough. But yes, of course you know you are being sutured! There are thread coming out from your mouth. You know when you are being sutured.

And last but not least, I started to feel the almost unbearable pain after the LA finished its job. I expected it, but didn't expect it to feel that way. Yes, the first day, you would feel like to bang your head or something but mine wasn't that severe. I just kept hitting the wall with my hand instead of head to at least interrupt the pain from locating at the surgical site. And the saliva kept flowing out (it became better once LA is not there anynore).

Mind you, this is of personal experience, not entirely scientific, dental kind of knowledge (well, some of it may be experience by all, some may not). The not so fun part of course, you can only eat soft food. And hard to open your mouth as it started to swell. And hard to brush your teeth. And can only rest on the bed (but this supposed to be fun but I'm bored, seriously).

Might also start to study.

Go ahead. Try to open the book. Let's see if you can study... or maybe another movie-marathon day hahah.